News

Hypochondriacs welcome ludicrous new health scare

BRITAIN'S hypochondriacs are delighted by claims that wi-fi could in some way harm their health.

Average Masterchef contestant looks a decade older than they are

THE gruelling and horrible chef lifestyle has prematurely aged contestants on BBC Two’s Masterchef: The Professionals.

Energy companies getting advert ideas from shamanic drug sessions

SSE’S ape advert was inspired by peyote-fuelled sweat lodge rituals, it has emerged.

Statutory rights affected

A MAN has forfeited his basic human rights after returning a dented can of baked beans.

White van men confirmed as rightful kings of universe

WHITE van drivers are the fulcrum upon which the world turns, it has been confirmed.

New law to link hackers with stock photos of hackers

POLICE are to get new powers to link computer hacking suspects with the shadowy, menacing figures seen in stock images.

Steampunk goggles made available on the NHS

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.