News

40p taxpayers to get Pippa Middleton wedding invite

ASPIRATIONAL 40p-rate taxpayers can come to Pippa Middleton's wedding, George Osborne has announced.

Irish banned from St Patrick's Day

THE Irish have been barred from St Patrick's Day celebrations worldwide because they get carried away and ruin it.

HS2 money to be pissed away faster

THE government is being urged to quicken the pace at which it pisses away the HS2 budget.

Man owns nothing except brand new MacBook

27-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has no possessions except a few clothes and a state-of-the-art Apple laptop, it has emerged.

Live space broadcast drives millions insane

VIEWERS of Channel 4's Live From Space have lost their minds after experiencing the incomprehensible vastness of the universe.

Johansson film is thought-provoking, haunting and has breasts in it

UNDER the Skin is an elegiac masterpiece where you see Scarlett Johansson in the nuddy, according to critics.

Supermarkets recruiting shoppers for actual war

BRITAIN’S ‘big four’ supermarkets are asking shoppers to join them in a massive, deadly war.

Aliens keep putting off Earth visit

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS have as little enthusiasm for coming to Earth as we do for visiting elderly relatives, it has been claimed.