Doctors refuse to see anyone who arrives with a fag and a can of Monster

DOCTORS will no longer see patients who arrive with a cigarette in one hand and an energy drink in the other.

Delightful scamp Prince George threatening to have everyone beheaded

ADORABLE scallywag Prince George has been melting hearts in Canada by threatening to execute everyone.

Bohemian, middle-class household just dirty

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

Everything to be alright at Sports Direct now Mike Ashley in charge

ALL problems at Sports Direct will disappear now Mike Ashley is chief executive, jubilant employees have confirmed.

Woman reaches end of week without giving a f**k about Brangelina or Bake Off

A WOMAN has successfully completed the week without giving a toss about the Brangelina split or the cake show.

F**k this shit I’m outta here, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has quit The Great British Bake-Off because of all the bullshit going down.

Windows 10 condemned by Amnesty International

WINDOWS 10 has been condemned by Amnesty International as cruel and inhumane.