Pirate role play limited to saying ‘Aaar'

PIRATE personas are limited to saying one syllable in a funny voice, it has been confirmed.

Queen wants ‘no fuss’ in case people realise what a massive blag it all is

THE Queen has become Britain's longest-serving monarch but wants celebrations kept low-key in case people realise the royal thing is a huge scam.

Rocky Horror fan despises all it stands for in real life

A ROCKY Horror Show fan is actually disgusted by the lifestyles it depicts, he has revealed.

School suspends pupil with 'F**K SCHOOL' haircut

A 10-YEAR-OLD has been suspended by her headmaster just for having an obscene anti-school slogan shaved into her hair.

Tailgater astonished to discover further car just 30 yards ahead

A TAILGATER on the fast lane of the M1 has been shocked to discover another car a short distance ahead of the one that was blocking him.

I don’t want or need this and I hate myself, says purchaser of bread maker

THE new owner of a bread maker is considering taking the machine into the garden and smashing it into a million pieces.

Whisky drinkers will believe anything, say scientists

WHISKY ‘connoisseurs’ are just ruddy-nosed cash dispensers, according to new research.

Dad clearly enjoying online safety threats

A MIDDLE-AGED father of two is obviously enjoying becoming an ‘expert’ on internet dangers.