Ex-girlfriend knows exactly what she’s missing, thanks

A WOMAN whose ex-boyfriend asserts she ‘doesn’t know what she’s missing’ is actually entirely aware of what she is missing and could not be happier. 

Emma Bradford, who ended her relationship with Stephen Malley two months ago, has since received several texts advising her that the break-up is ‘her loss’ and that she will not easily ‘find what we had’.

She said: “I haven’t found what we had, it’s true. I’m not looking for it. I’ll leave it festering under a rock, where it belongs.

“He says I’ll soon see the grass isn’t greener, which is ironic because my houseplants are doing fine now the curtains aren’t closed all weekend because he’s playing FIFA in his Y-fronts.

“I don’t miss walking around art galleries with him on his phone whinging behind me. I don’t miss his ‘jokes’ about chaining me to the kitchen sink. I question whether any woman would miss his suggestions that him, me and my sister have a threesome.

“It’s certainly true that I won’t replace him easily. Julio from the gym, who taught me that female orgasm actually aren’t hard to achieve, is no replacement for Stephen. He’s a massive upgrade.”

Malley said: “Yeah. She’ll come crawling back.”