APPLE ACCUSED OF EXAGGERATING HOW MUCH YOU MATTER

APPLE has been forced to withdraw its latest iPhone advert because it exaggerates how busy you are and how significant your life is.

Your emails

The TV campaign made repeated claims that you are a meaningful human being who needed an iPhone because you are at the very centre of everything that is going on and are the key member of your team.

However, the Advertising Standards Authority upheld complaints from 17 people you worked with who said you could be lying dead, face down on your desk for six months and no one would notice, unless it was your turn to get the biscuits.

A spokesman said: "According to Apple you need an iPhone to deal with emails, organise your hectic social life, and monitor fast moving world events via the Daily Mail website.

"But the reality is you need to shut up about your stupid fucking phone and just do something, anything that does not involve you being a complete arsehole."

Your secretary Helen said: "Julian Cook's office. Yes Julian, I got your email. It was from your phone was it? I didn't notice. No, there are no messages for you.

"Yes, we sorted that. It seems you inputted the wrong figures after lunch. Of course I told Chris, I had to, he's my boss too you know."

Helen added: "Yes I know it's you again, I recognise the number. No, still no messages. No emails either. Julian, did you get the biscuits or not?"