The Daily Mash - SNOW MELTS, CLAIMS MET OFFICE

SNOW MELTS, CLAIMS MET OFFICE

03-02-09

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.

A fully-grown Alaskan Timber wolf can make you last for up to a fortnight

Experts insisted the granular material had a soft and open structure that was very likely to turn into water, and was not an airborne member of the notoriously hardwearing diamond family.

As millions of Britons stocked up on anti-wolf equipment, climatologists claimed the snow would disappear within days as rising air temperatures resulted in the breakdown of its crystalline structure in a process they referred to as 'melting'.

A Met Office spokesman, said: "Snow is a notoriously unstable material, which is why we never use it to build bridges.

"Try picking it up, notice how the warmth of your hands makes it go soft and disappear.

"In fact, the only thing it is guaranteed to withstand is a 12-ton London bus."

He added: "Of course, there is always a chance this is the beginning of a hundred year winter that will only end when four unbearably smug public school children become our rulers after pushing their way through the back of a magic wardrobe, stealing some very expensive coats and befriending a talking lion who's actually Jesus."

But trainee solicitor and amateur survivalist Julian Cook said he was now prepared for a permanent, snow-based society after watching Sky News non-stop for 16 hours and reading the Daily Mail's 12-page supplement, Wolves! Everywhere!

He added: "Sssshhhhh! They can hear how fat you are."