TAXI DRIVER BRAINS HAVE INBUILT CAPACITY TO BORE YOU SHITLESS

THE brains of taxi drivers have an inbuilt natural ability to bore the shit out of you, according to new research.

'Tell you what, that Zola is a fackin' genius'

Scientists scanned the brains of 200 taxi drivers and discovered a neuro-processor that not only identifies the most expensive route between any two points in London, but also makes passengers leap from the vehicle within 90 seconds.

The taxi brain, say the researchers, is filled with angry thoughts about the last thing it heard on the Jeremy Vine show, or has a series of hilarious observations provoked by a Five Live phone-in about Man City.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The normal brain would be aware of a passenger switching off the intercom and take this as a signal to just shut it.

"The taxi brain, however, recognises this as a signal to switch it back on so the passenger can hear its ingenious solution to non-EU immigration and why West Ham have performed a masterstroke with the appointment of Gianfranco Zola."

He added: "It will then tell you that Jeremy Clarkson should be prime minister before lecturing you on the dangers of inattentive African mini-cab drivers while constantly looking over its shoulder at you."

Brubaker said the final phase of his research involves removing the brains from the taxi drivers, putting them on a table and hitting them repeatedly with a hammer.

He added: "It won't tell us an awful lot more about the brains, but it will completely destroy them."

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