1,000 Years Of Cliff Richard, Warn Scientists
SIR Cliff Richard could survive well into the next ice age, according to new research.
Experts claim people who look younger live longer, leading to concerns the ungay pop knight will be singing Bachelor Boy while stewards shovel 30 foot of snow from Wimbledon centre court.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The news doesn't look good for anyone hoping to see the end of Cliff Richard, Leonardo DiCaprio or, god help us all, Jude Law. Although confusingly, this does mean Keith Richards should have died in 1972."
He added: "We suspect it's genetic, but not living like a suicidal lunatic on an Amsterdam stag weekend might have something to do with it.
"If lifestyle is the prevalent factor and Cliff ever relents by having wiry, leathery, drunken sex with one of his legion of clickety-hipped fans, he's going to dissolve like that Nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark."
The suspect genes are known as Telomeres and while people typically have a count of one part per million, early indications suggest Cliff Richard is 83% Telomere.
Brubaker said: "They're sort of like midichlorians in the bad Star Wars films, but instead of giving him cool Jedi powers, they make him look like a tortoise that's been partially ironed."
But Sir Cliff dismissed the research, insisting: "The Bible teaches us that DNA doesn't exist and the scientists responsible are going to the same hell as Elvis.
"If I look youthful it's down to a lifetime of devout worship and abstinence. You should see my unused clackers, by the way. They look like veiny beach balls. Another five years like this and the Shadows could end being killed by nut shrapnel."