14 Billion Tons Of Bullshit Pumped Into Firth Of Forth
EXPERTS warned of an environmental catastrophe last night after enough bullshit to fill 6.5 billion Vauxhall Zafiras poured into the Forth estuary.
The storage plant on the outskirts of Edinburgh has seen a sharp rise in untreated bullshit levels over the last month, culminating in yesterday's catastrophe.
Engineering consultant Tom Booker said: "This plant usually handles the everyday bullshit generated by newspaper columnists, advertising companies and Gary Robertson.
"Trust me, that's a tremendous amount of bullshit.
"If you add a national election campaign to the mix then eventually something's got to give."
He added: "Once the Sunday papers were published it was only a matter of time before we had what we engineers call 'a humungous bullshit surge'.
"Thank Christ there's a separate plant just for Pat Kane."
Joseph Turner, professor of environmental health at Dundee University, warned of the unpleasant side effects of a bullshit surge.
"That level of bullshit can have a devastating effect on young people. Unfortunately there will now be a noticeable increase in the number of teenagers applying to do sociology or media studies. What a waste of time."
But within hours of the bullshit accident, levels were rising again as the SNP tried to blame the disaster on Labour policies, First Minister Jack McConnell "ordered an official inquiry" and dozens of BBC reporters wandered up and down Portobello beach trying to describe the smell.
Senior doctors, concerned at the rapidly increasing threat to public health, have pleaded with politicians and the media to "just shut the fuck up for a few hours".