Discovery of Earth-like planet means it's okay to destroy Earth
ASTRONOMERS have discovered a habitable planet that we can all just go and live on when we break the Earth.
Fuck it up
The planet, which exists outside of our solar system, is to have its name changed from HD85512b to ‘Spare Earth’.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s a huge relief to find there’s a lovely fresh planet humans can colonise when Earth enters what we call ‘quantum fuckedness’.
“There is no longer any incentive to drive a small, sexless car, purchase Ecover washing-up liquid or to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s opinions. Let’s all just relax and have some fun with Earth’s remaining natural resources before hopping onto the spaceships.
“Tomorrow I’m going dragster racing through an ancient woodland with some former ecologists.”
He added: “After we’ve evacuated in sleek space rockets it could be fun to blow up the Earth with a massive nuclear device, because that would look and sound really spectacular.
“Everyone would be watching from the spaceship viewing decks, high-fiving and mouthing the words ‘no way’ in amazement.”
Astronomer Tom Logan said: “Spare Earth can probably handle a hundred million or so years of flagrant abuse by humans before becoming an arid hell. By which time another pleasant empty planet is bound to have presented itself.
“Bound to.
“Anyway, we will have to think about which other species we take with us into the cosmos. Dogs obviously, probably cats and cows but not seagulls or anything without a face.”
He added: “It would be funny when we vacate the Earth to deliberately leave my friend Sam behind. For example, we wait until he goes to the toilet and then blast off.
“Then just when the last spaceship is disappearing into the sky we turn it around and go back to pick him up.
“He’d be so angry, it would be priceless.”
