Do Not Be Afraid Of Shiny, Yellow Ball In The Sky, Say Experts
SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.
Experts say that while the ball will lead to increased amounts of heat and light, it is not a demon, a dragon or an alien spacecraft, and will, for the most part, be rather pleasant.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's natural to be afraid, but we are 99% certain that the shiny, yellow ball means us no harm.
"Our computer modelling suggests it will encourage plant growth and pollination, as well as leading to a significant increase in white wine, ice cream and nipples as women remove their brassieres in what we think will be some sort of sacrificial offering.
"Indeed, young women would be well advised to remove as much of their clothing as possible while the shiny ball is visible, otherwise it could kill them. It totally could."
Names for the ball include Shinydisc1, the Very, Very Hot Thing and the Billie Jean Sky Bulb, in memory of the late song by Michael Jackson.
Professor Brubaker added: "It may also lead to higher levels of stress among elderly people who think it is Jesus coming down from heaven to judge them.
"And don't waste your time trying to touch it because, as far as we have been able to determine, it is quite a long way away.
"Possibly as far away as the moon, or America."