Early Roman Computer Used To Express Worthless Classical Opinions

31-07-08

A 2,000-year-old computer found in a Roman shipwreck was mainly used for asserting worthless classical opinions, scientists have learned. 

'You can say what you like about Caligula, but at least he got the job done'

The Antikythera Mechanism was discovered by Greek sponge divers who used it as a kebab stand because they were too interested in goat sex to find out what it really was.

However, experts from the Institute for Studies now believe it was an early laptop belonging to Cauis Augustus, a retired centurion from Rome's Aemilian district.

The hard disk reveals that Augustus spent most of his day posting comments on the websites of the Rome Daily Telegraph and Rome Daily Mail.

On the ides of Aprilis, Augustus wrote a furious comment on the Mail site after a story claiming all Gauls were to get a 15 serstetitius grant from the Lottery to buy new chariots.

He said: "As a single army pensioner I can hardly afford the hay I need to keep my own chariot on the road, never mind buy a new one like these thieving scum.

"Would that money not be better spent on constructing a memorial to the soldiers who first conquered those savages? Or better still buying them all a one-way ticket home!!!!!"

On the kalends of Quintillis, Augustus posted a link on his own website to that day's Mail editorial which said the Pompeians had only themselves to blame for the destruction of their city.

He added: "That temple did not collapse because of some volcano. Any fool can see it was a controlled demolition organised by Judeans."

The hard disk also reveals he visited the Isle of Lesbos official site but left a comment saying "a huge disappointment, piss-poor!!!!!"

 

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