First Alien Contact To Be Dirty Phone Message

MANKIND’S introduction to extra-terrestrial life will be a series of lewd, unprovoked insults from Jonathan Ross.

'Can I stick my finger in your wife?'

The former BBC masturbator will present Stargazing Live in January when he hopes to send explicit, sexually abusive tirades into the cosmos.

Ross said it was his chance to fulfil a childhood dream of becoming the first human to tell an alien that its grand-daughter is a skank.

He added: “We kick off with a live space shuttle launch, but me and Russell will have painted a giant cock onto the fuselage.

“Meanwhile the booster rockets will have big bollocks painted on them and when they detach the entire London Symphony Orchestra will play swanee whistles.”

Helen Archer, associate director at the SETI Institute, said: “It’s impossible to know for sure what kind of insults would leave an intelligent extra-terrestrial feeling confused and vaguely upset.

“You could imply you’ve wiped your cock on its curtains, but of course that might be a standard form of greeting where they come from.

“It’s probably best to err on the side of caution and call its mum a whore. Nobody likes that.”

Meanwhile, Ross has been practising zero-gravity licentiousness in his specially tailored crushed velvet spacesuit.

He said: “I will tread the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and offer to wank God into a cup.”