Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota
THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.
The monthly total now stands at 240 meaning scientists, politicians, clergyman and the Daily Mail will have to apply for an extension or face a reduction in the April quota of terrifyingly apocalyptic, certain death scenarios.
It is the first real test for the quota system, established last year so that frightened citizens do not lose track of what is going to kill them by 2030.
The latest warning comes from UK government science adviser Professor John Beddington in a new research paper entitled Dragons!.
Professor Beddington said last night: "Attention, everyone. Stop what you're doing immediately and listen to me.
"Dragons! Dragons, I tell you! The sky shall be filled with them and they shall devour our crops, befoul our cattle and drink dry our lakes and ponds.
"They will hover above your house and just when you think they've gone, you'll open the curtains and there will be this great big eye staring back at you. Then the dragon will rip the roof off your house and eat you like a Creme Egg and all because you didn't listen."
Professor Beddington is calling for a multi-billion pound anti-dragon gun to be paid for by increased taxes on Range Rovers and patio heaters.
Julian Cook, a doomed 44 year-old from south London, said: "Based on this month's warnings if I don't spend money then civilisation will collapse resulting in my certain death. But if I do spend money then the environment will collapse – whatever that means – resulting in my certain death.
"And now there's all this stuff about dragons. Fuck it, I'm getting a patio heater."