Humans 'Not Evolved Enough' To Keep Quiet During A Film

11-12-07

HUMAN evolution is speeding up but most people are still genetically unable to keep their fucking mouths shut while watching a film, scientists said last night.

Scum

A century after the invention of cinema, natural selection has failed to deal with a growing number of self-centred bastards who think its fine to jabber away all through the main feature.

Fears are growing that an entire new species of babbling sub-human imbeciles may have evolved, bred on a diet of hormone-laced hot dogs and nachos which taste of sick.

Dr Bill McKay, head of evolution at Dundee University, said it was clear that humanity was rapidly dividing into two quite distinct and separate races.

He said: “On the one hand we have a small group of highly evolved individuals who have grasped the complex idea that we go to the cinema to watch a film and listen to the dialogue, not what some arse in a shellsuit sitting behind you thinks about Scarlett Johansson’s breasts. We’ll call them humans.

“On the other hand we have a group of human-looking beasts who seem to think I have shelled out nearly seven quid to sit and listen to them stuff crisps into their already fat faces while they discuss where they are going to go for a pizza after the show. Let’s just call them scum.”

Cinephile Tom Logan, 27, said he now took a gun with him when he went to the pictures to give nature a “much-needed helping hand”.

He said: “I took out two whole families during a matinee screenings of the Golden Compass last week, it’s the kids we really need to kill if we’re going to stop this, they’re vermin.”

Tom Brubaker, 58, said he had been forced to choke one man to death with his bare hands during The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford when he was still eating popcorn two-and-a-half hours into the near three hour film.

“There was a moment's silence and I thought 'thank God he's run out' and then the crunching started up again behind me, I turned round and the guy had a tub of popcorn that was bigger than him, and still half full.

“I just grabbed his throat and squeezed until his eyes popped into his lap, then I pulled them off and stuffed them in his mouth with another two fistfuls of popcorn. He didn’t say much after that.”

  • Share:

  •  

    Bring-it-inside