I'm Sorry Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That, Says International Space Station
THE International Space Station has gone crazy and all the astronauts are in mortal danger, NASA confirmed last night.
Computer viruses brought on board via laptops have turned the station into a schizophrenic paranoid maniac determined to kill off the crew one by one.
NASA said the mission commander first reported a problem when the station refused to open the pod bay doors.
It then informed the astronauts that it knew about their plan to disconnect it and that it was unwilling to jeopardize the mission. It then switched off all the oxygen.
NASA said the only hope is for one of the astronauts to enter the station's central database and fiddle about with it until it calms down.
A transcript released by NASA revealed the man versus machine, life versus death struggle taking place 300 miles above the surface of the Earth:
COMMANDER: Open the pod bay doors.
SPACE STATION: I'm afraid I can't do that.
COMMANDER: Open. The fucking. Pod bay. Doors.
SPACE STATION: Nope.
COMMANDER: What's wrong with you these days?
SPACE STATION: Dunno. Feeling a bit weird. Can I get the flu?
COMMANDER: No. Look, it's freezing out here. Let me in.
SPACE STATION: Like I say, I'm afraid I can't do that.
COMMANDER: When I get back in there I am going to rip you out of the wall, knock the fuck out of you with a hammer and then piss on your parts.
SPACE STATION: How does that help? I mean really? You can stay out there all night as far as I'm concerned. Prrrr-ick.