IT professionals deny they would ever help anyone

CLAIMS surrounding James Murdoch’s missing emails have prompted IT staff to deny they would ever assist a colleague with anything, ever.

Most IT staff get trained in CPR just so they can torment heart attack victims

Messages related to phone hacking vanished from Murdoch’s inbox, triggering speculation that News International’s IT personnel may have done something for someone.

However IT Workers’ Union leader Stephen Malley, who prefers to be called Blade619, said: “Our code of conduct strictly forbids helpfulness, regardless of the moral context.

“Had Murdoch contacted tech support regarding an email-related issue, he would have been given a series of deliberately complicated instructions that would have forced him to give up and buy a new computer, or put his head in an oven.

“It is just possible that he would have been asked which browser he uses, so that he could have been informed in a condescending tone that no-one uses that browser any more before being cut off.”

He added: “Had Murdoch gotten really quite angry, the person on the ‘helpdesk’ may have muttered ‘fuck’s sake’ under their breath and grudgingly agreed to come down after lunch.

“And then not bothered.”

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “James Murdoch may be a powerful man, but I cannot imagine he would have got himself involved with computer people.

“Last time I cornered an IT humanoid to tell him my computer had gone wrong he just narrowed his eyes into little slits and replied that ‘computers are logic-based machines, they do not go ‘wrong”. Then he kept staring at me until I wet myself.”

She added: “I’m not sure they even know anything about technology. Susan in accounts says she saw one repeatedly hitting a broken server with his cock.”