Life Can Survive On Arsenic And Produce A Newspaper, Say Experts

03-12-10

NASA scientists have discovered life that can survive at the bottom of an arsenic-filled lake and publish a daily newspaper

The faeces can be found at the bottom of lakes and in railway stations

The bizarre life forms are able to ingest the substance, poisonous to carbon-based life, and then use it to produce at least 90 pages of full colour newsprint, six days a week.

Nasa biologist, Dr Nathan Muir, said: “These creatures seem to be metabolising this high-strength poison which they then excrete through their anus in the form of printed pages.

“This faeces, also highly toxic, is then digested by other creatures at the bottom of the lake and their arsenic-ridden waste is then eaten by the organisms that excreted the pages, which is in turn metabolised and used to make more faeces, and so on.

“I call it the ‘circle of poisonous, shit-eating life’.”

He added: “If we examine today’s faeces under a microscope we can see a story about how England’s World Cup bid failed because it included a video that features lots of happy black children.

“This sort of poisonous excrement cannot be the result of a carbon-based biological process. Only by metabolising high-strength undiluted toxins at the bottom of a rancid, stinking lake can you produce a headline such as ‘Was this the video that cost us? The very un-English presentation screened to FIFA delegates’.”

The eye-watering stool sample also yielded a story about how Pete Doherty’s attempt to quit drugs has made him horribly fat and ugly and a story about how pedestrians walked past an injured pensioner, which experts stressed was a textbook example of the creatures’ poisonous faeces seeping into our DNA and making us all too scared to help each other.

Dr Muir said: “Ultimately what it means is that the universe could be teeming with planets that can support newspapers run by total fucking scum.”

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