Science & Technology
AN egotistical scientist has claimed that a mountain-sized asteroid is headed right at him.
THE organisers of a UK moon landing have strenuously denied that it is an excuse to drink lager in space.
RELIGIOUS homophobes are unclear about why God is letting HIV become less infectious.
NICK Clegg has pledged that the Stonehenge road tunnel will be a very mystical experience.
UFOLOGISTS have been told to stop going on about Roswell and come up with an alien incident within the last 20 years.
POLICE are to get new powers to link computer hacking suspects with the shadowy, menacing figures seen in stock images.
JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.
LANDING a robot on a comet is objectively amazing and anyone who disagrees must be shunned, experts have confirmed.