Science & Technology

Siberian virus not at all like 'The Thing' say weirdly glassy-eyed scientists

AN ANCIENT virus found beneath the Siberian permafrost cannot infect and control humans, according to scientists with odd monotone voices.

Northern Lights 'caused by gay marriage'

THE Northern Lights are a sign that God approves of gay marriage, according to pro-European Christians.

Samsung S5 wants a fight

THE new Samsung smartphone kicks off if you stare at it.

Twitter exercise demonstrates how unpopular teacher is

A TEACHER has proved what an imbecile he is by attempting to demonstrate how quickly messages spread on social media.

Human intelligence to fall below level of household appliances

AVERAGE human intelligence will soon be surpassed by that of a toasted sandwich maker, experts have claimed.

Avatar brain implant creates moral idiots

A BRAIN implant inspired by the film Avatar gives recipients an incredibly simplistic moral outlook, it has emerged.

Reality to be rebooted

OUR shared reality is to be turned off and started again after becoming glitchy and confusing.

Gayness study confirms they are not doing it just to annoy Christians

GAYNESS is caused by genetics, as well as the traditional desire to make Christians furious.