Science & Technology

Computers now capable of ill-informed opinions

A COMPUTER programme has mimicked a human conversation by ignoring what the other person said and spouting hackneyed, tabloid nonsense.

15,000 horny morons at risk from virus

THOUSANDS of randy, stupid computer owners are at risk from a virus attached to obviously fraudulent emails.

Google cars only go to Wikipedia

THE new self-driving cars pioneered by Google just go straight to Wikipedia, according to testers.

Students demand end to sunshine-revision link

BRITISH students have asked for their exams to be moved to when it is dark and pissing down.

Gay computer is old people's worst fear

A COMPUTER that talks in an effeminate male voice is the biggest fear of the over-70s.

84 per cent would have sex with robots that aren't very advanced

MOST people would have sex with basic robots that don't even have faces.

Rejuvenating blood must be from virgins

BLOOD transfusions can reverse the ageing process but only if the donors are sexually pure, according to scientists.

Angel of the North vows to destroy Morrisons

THE Angel of the North has vowed revenge against Morrisons for projecting a loaf of bread onto its wings.