Science & Technology
Artificial Intelligence Now Equal To Premier League Footballer
SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.
Windows 7 To Include Punch-Screen Technology
MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.
Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota
THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.
Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod
APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.
Scientists To Continue Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians
LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.
'Obscene' Gravity Must Be Repealed, Says Harman
THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.
Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome
SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.
Single Phone Charger To End Multiple Phone Charger Madness
AN historic agreement last night brought the world one step closer to ending the insanity of having several different kinds of mobile phone charger.