Science & Technology

New anti-virus software 'deadliest yet'

THE latest batch of anti-virus software will break your computer even more thoroughly than previous versions, experts have warned.

iPad 3 to be obsessed with prostitutes

THE latest version of Apple's tablet computer will have the personality of a syphilitic Victorian judge, it has emerged.

'Buildings' only hope against cold

BRITAIN'S only hope for surviving the arctic conditions rests in weather-proof structures known as 'buildings', experts have claimed.

"Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

Right-wing people smart enough to hate everyone

RIGHT-wingers are intelligent enough to know that everyone is ultimately a self-serving bastard, according to new research.

Snow continues to be the same

THIS year's snow is the same as last year's, it has been confirmed.

Scottish expedition discovers then deep-fries massive prawn

MARINE biologists from Scotland have discovered, deep-fried and eaten the world's biggest prawn.

IT professionals deny they would ever help anyone

CLAIMS surrounding James Murdoch's missing emails have prompted IT staff to deny they would ever assist a colleague with anything, ever.