Science & Technology

Millions remain uncool despite having smartphones

PEOPLE who own cutting-edge smartphones remain inexplicably pathetic, it has emerged.

If you're using Internet Explorer, this is called a 'website'

PEOPLE with the browser Internet Explorer were last night told they were using it to 'explore' the 'internet'.

End of internet anonymity to make web even more depressing

INTERNET users will be forced to reveal details of their pathetic lives in a new drive to stop them being ghastly.

Neptune has sulky birthday

NEPTUNE, eighth planet in the solar system, spent its first birthday orbiting the sun 'just like any other day’.

Zuckerberg posts armed guards at Facebook perimeter

ANYONE who tries to leave Facebook will be shot, Mark Zuckerberg said last night.

Sandwich to stay disappointing for two weeks

ADVANCES in food technology mean that pre-packed sandwiches can now retain their disappointingness for up to 14 days.

Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.

Scientists grow kebab meat on a sheep

GENETICISTS have created a sheep that produces kebab meat, it emerged last night.