Science & Technology

IT professionals deny they would ever help anyone

CLAIMS surrounding James Murdoch's missing emails have prompted IT staff to deny they would ever assist a colleague with anything, ever.

Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln

SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.

TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery

TUBE travellers will be able to broadcast their ignorance even when 150 foot underground by summer, promise TFL.

Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on

PAUL Daniels is to explain to the Magic Circle why he did not use conjuring and sorcery to re-attach his severed finger.

'Onesies' prove men no longer exist

THE availability of one-piece romper suits for adult males proves that men are over, it has been claimed.

Queen's new boat to be massive waste of private money

ONLY private money should pissed away on the Queen's new boat, the government has insisted.

Gay marriage 'releases deadly pink gas into ozone layer'

POPE Benedict has explained the hard science behind his theory that gay marriage will cause the destruction of humanity.

Women wrong, says cleverest person in world

THE fundamental wrongness of women has been established beyond doubt.