Science & Technology

Totally inept losers confident they can lock down the internet

A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled somewhat ambitious plans to rule the web with an iron fist.

Woman rearranges dishwasher for three hours to avoid washing a mug

A WOMAN spent three hours rearranging the crockery in her dishwasher in a desperate attempt to fit in one more mug.

Cocaine to help tackle excessive niceness

COCAINE is being hailed as a wonder drug that can help people who are too nice for their own good.

Middle class men to buy their sex robots from John Lewis

MIDDLE class men have decided that when sex robots become widely available they will buy theirs from John Lewis.

Average person spends 10 years reading idiots’ opinions online

AN AVERAGE person aged between 25 and 45 has spent a full decade reading the opinions of complete idiots on the internet, researchers have found.

Scientists discover homeopaths also make shitty, weak tea

TEA made by homeopaths does not actually contain any active tea ingredients, a study has shown.

HS2 to go directly through angry Yorkshireman’s living room

THE new HS2 route will pass directly through a Doncaster man’s living room, between the TV and the sofa, every 30 minutes.

Northerners denounce contactless payment as 'the Devil's hocus pocus'

CONTACTLESS payment is Lucifer's dark magic, the people of the North have declared.