Science & Technology

South East finally being wiped clean by the wrath of God

LIKE the ancient Egyptian city of Tanis, the south east of England is, at last, being wiped clean by the wrath of God.

Weather breakthrough prompts idiot to bang on about chaos theory

LONG-RANGE weather forecasting is impossible because of the chaos theory, according to office worker Tom Logan.

Rural areas only allowed 1990s internet

PEOPLE living in rural areas can only have the internet of 1999, the government has announced.

Best Emoji won by one that looks like a penis

THE prestigious Emoji awards have given the emoji that most resembles a dick the top prize for the third year in a row.

Clocks go either back or forward this weekend or next weekend

THE UK has been reminded that the clocks go forward for spring, or possibly back, this Saturday or maybe the Saturday after.

Crows better than children

CROWS are as intelligent as children and far less hassle to look after, it has been claimed.

All dietary advice was fruit company conspiracy

FRUIT companies have misled the public into thinking fat and processed sugar are bad, it has emerged.

Live space broadcast drives millions insane

VIEWERS of Channel 4's Live From Space have lost their minds after experiencing the incomprehensible vastness of the universe.