Science & Technology

Arseholes confused about God’s plan for homosexuals

RELIGIOUS homophobes are unclear about why God is letting HIV become less infectious.

Stonehenge tunnel will be mystical, Clegg tells druids

NICK Clegg has pledged that the Stonehenge road tunnel will be a very mystical experience.

UFO experts asked to stop milking Area 51

UFOLOGISTS have been told to stop going on about Roswell and come up with an alien incident within the last 20 years.

New law to link hackers with stock photos of hackers

POLICE are to get new powers to link computer hacking suspects with the shadowy, menacing figures seen in stock images.

Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.

Comet landing is empirically cool so shut up, say experts

LANDING a robot on a comet is objectively amazing and anyone who disagrees must be shunned, experts have confirmed.

Comet landing already a disaster, say parking bores

MEN who claim to know about parking have been strongly critical of the techniques being used to place the Philae lander on a comet.

Cannabis enhances excuse-making ability

REGULAR cannabis smoking boosts the part of the brain that invents excuses.