Science & Technology

Giant Pineapple Is Trying To Kill Me, Reveals Charles

PRINCE Charles has demanded a ban on genetically modified crops after the latest attempt on his life by an enormous piece of fruit.

Early Roman Computer Used To Express Worthless Classical Opinions

A 2,000-year-old computer found in a Roman shipwreck was mainly used for asserting worthless classical opinions, scientists have learned. 

F22 Raptor Also A Camera

THE new F22 Raptor stealth fighter can now store up to 25,000 songs and features a class leading 6.2 megapixel camera, built-in. 

Switzerland To Be Devoured By Black Hole

PEOPLE worried that the world’s biggest physics experiment could destroy the earth were last night reassured that only Switzerland will be obliterated. 

Apple To Fool Public For 207th Time

APPLE boss Steve Jobs last night unveiled the new iPhone, insisting there was 'no way' he would launch a better and cheaper version in three months time.

Mars Probe Urges Brown To Quit

NASA's latest Martian probe last night landed safely on the red planet and issued an immediate call for Gordon Brown to resign.

Giant Laser Used To Draw Cock On The Moon

SCIENTISTS who invented the world's most powerful laser have used it to draw a giant penis on the front of the moon. 

Darth Vader Is A Baptist, Says Vatican

THE Vatican has admitted intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe but that much of it is under the control of protestant denominations.