Science & Technology

Microsoft Games Controller Will Allow Everyone To Be Tedious

MICROSOFT has unveiled a hands-free controller X-box which will open-up the empty, soul-destroying tedium of video games to everyone.

Librarians go like the clappers, say experts

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

Bono To Create Black Hole Of Awfulness

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

Search Engine Developers Unveil Total Waste Of Time

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

Artificial Intelligence Now Equal To Premier League Footballer

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

Windows 7 To Include Punch-Screen Technology

MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.

Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.