Science & Technology

Brown Vows To End Wii Postcode Lottery

GORDON Brown has taken personal charge of the escalating Nintendo Wii crisis which could force millions of British children to play outdoors with real friends this Christmas.

'We Haven't Got A F*cking Clue' Admit Scientists

SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night. 

China Sets New Light Speed Record

CHINA has asserted its growing technological dominance by setting a new record for the speed of light.

British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.

Apple Tightens Grip With Launch Of iTold

APPLE is to tighten its grip on 21st Century society this week with the launch of iTold, a new software application which will seize control of every aspect of your life.

Safety Fears After A380 On-Board Safari Incident

SAFETY concerns have been raised about the A380 super-jumbo after two passengers were attacked by lions during their on-board safari.

Scientists Are Arrogant Pricks, Claim Africans

LEADING Africans provoked outrage last night by claiming that Western scientists showed a natural predisposition towards being pricks.

Everyone In Public Life Now An Untrustworthy Bastard

ALL people in positions of responsibility are untrustworthy pieces of shit who have made it their life's mission to shaft you, according to new research.