Science & Technology

British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.

Apple Tightens Grip With Launch Of iTold

APPLE is to tighten its grip on 21st Century society this week with the launch of iTold, a new software application which will seize control of every aspect of your life.

Safety Fears After A380 On-Board Safari Incident

SAFETY concerns have been raised about the A380 super-jumbo after two passengers were attacked by lions during their on-board safari.

Scientists Are Arrogant Pricks, Claim Africans

LEADING Africans provoked outrage last night by claiming that Western scientists showed a natural predisposition towards being pricks.

Everyone In Public Life Now An Untrustworthy Bastard

ALL people in positions of responsibility are untrustworthy pieces of shit who have made it their life's mission to shaft you, according to new research.

Vatican To Build Huge Telescope In Hunt For Jesus

THE Pope has commissioned a $1bn super-telescope as the Vatican steps up its hunt for Jesus.

Children Told To Sit Down And Shut The Fuck Up For 18 Years

CHILDREN should just shut it and do as they are told for once in their fucking lives, according to the results of a major academic study.

Nuclear Waste Makes Lovely Jam Says Government

WASTE from nuclear power is very tasty, spreads easily and makes a lovely jam for your toast in the morning, the Government said last night.