Perfect Vagina Includes Video Screen And Crisp Dispenser, Say Men

THE perfect vagina would have a built-in video player with a cheese and onion crisp dispenser attached to it, men said last night.

A bowl of Wotsits can give you a second wind

As more women pay thousands of pounds for complex labial-enhancement surgery, men across Britain started writing down some helpful suggestions.

Tom Logan, a vagina enthusiast from Stevenage, said: "When you're down below it can take a while to get things moving – especially, if like me, you're really not very good at it. You know, all thumbs and stubble.

"In these circumstances it would be quite nice if I was able to take a break, watch an episode of Porridge, catch-up on my emails and refuel with some Monster Munch."

He added: "If all these elements were integral to the vaginal area, I am sure I would soon become a dab hand at constructing orgasms."

Roy Hobbs, a part-time inventor from Peterborough said: "It's alright, I've drawn up some plans. This one is air-conditioned, has three speed settings and automatically remembers my favourite positions.

"It also has a range of snacks – from Wotsits to mini pork pies – it converts into a fold-out bed and it's attached to Penelope Cruz. I've called it the Ultra-Snatch 6000."

And Nathan Muir, a gym teacher from Darlington, added: "I'm trying to persuade my wife to get one that looks like Steve McQueen.

"I'm very confused."