Personal data is bollocks because you’re all liars or idiots, confirm internet companies

THE personal data collected over the internet is all bollocks, it has finally been admitted.

Internet companies confirmed that all data held on users is ‘toss’, explaining why people get random adverts for things they have no use for, such as butt plugs, carpet adhesive and John Bishop DVDs.

Tom Booker, of Globex Analytics, said: “All our information is crap because people are either liars, totally inconsistent or thick bastards who can’t remember if they like bananas or not.

“Someone might complain about only meeting weird guys on Match.com, then the next week you discover she’s into Wicca and Britain First. That’s just how people are. Bellends.

“We’ve been lying about how valuable our information is because otherwise we’d be skint and the Guardian wouldn’t be able to fret about ‘big data’ every week.”

Social network CEO Donna Sheridan said: “All online surveys are bullshit because people respond according to what they think they’re like, rather than the twats they really are.

“As a result we’ve got trillions of gigabytes of low-quality data you couldn’t use to accurately predict whether someone dislikes being hit in the face with a spanner.

“No one will admit they’re a grumpy, overweight sod who hates people, although I wish they did because we could sell it to companies recruiting bus drivers.”