Robots useless

THE field of robotics is not delivering on any level, experts have claimed.

Wouldn't even get a game for West Ham

As Italian scientists unveiled a robot that plays piano at Grade 4 and probably has a colourful bow tie that spins, there have been widespread calls for those working in robotics to get a proper job.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The gap between fictional robots, which are brilliant, and real robots, which are shit, is not shrinking, it’s widening.

“The grim tragedy of real-life robotics was encapsulated by the television series Robot Wars, with its remote-controlled staple guns mounting each other while middle-aged men shouted ‘come on, Exterminator’.

“It drove Craig Charles to the glass pipe, for Christ’s sake.”

He added: “Asimov’s first law of worthwhile robots states that robots should at least look like they’re capable of freaking out and killing a large group of innocent bystanders.

“By 2011 we should at least have machines that are built around the mutilated bodies of wronged policemen, tormented by fragmented memories of their former lives and a simmering desire for bloody vengeance. As it is, we’ve gone backwards from Big Trak.”

Roboticist Stephen Malley said: “I reject the suggestion that real robots are increasingly inferior to robots in films. Look at the new film Real Steel, starring Wolverine. Anything in the world must be better than anything in that.”

Meanwhile Honda’s cutting-edge android Asimo last night toppled down some stairs like a blind geriatric.