Scientists Unveil Energy Efficient Porno-Kettle

12-01-09

SCIENTISTS have invented a three-litre electric kettle with limescale filter, single-cup facility and an eight-inch LCD screen showing boiling-hot Amsterdam horse action.

Pornocup 2000: For the children

In a bid to reduce the CO2 emissions created by internet searches, boffins at the Institute for Studies have combined the key functions of Google and the domestic kettle to produce the Pornocup 2000.

Researchers have estimated their new product can generate up to 14 litres of boiling water and show the moist conclusion of a five-way Belgian nun-cluster, using just one-fifth the electricity of a standard kettle and laptop computer.

Research director Henry Brubaker said: "The Pornucup will alter the way society indulges in a listless malaise of half-focussed self abuse.

"Environmentally-conscious onanists can now combine their two favourite pastimes – drinking endless cups of tea and wanking like a death row inmate with a copy of Nuts – while saving the Earth."

But safety experts have warned the Pornucup could be a recipe for hot disaster.

Tom Logan, professor of pornography accidents at Reading University, said: "The risks will be familiar to anyone who has stumbled around their bedroom in a post-tumescent haze looking for a tube sock.

"Imagine a scenario where someone tries to freeze-frame the money shot and ends up pouring a pint of liquid steam all over their clackers."

Brubaker said there were several applications for the new technology including a four slice toaster with built-in idiotic conspiracies and a bread maker with endless opinions about Celebrity Big Brother.

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