Software Security Firms Develop Fantastic Excuse

SOFTWARE security firms have come up with a brilliant excuse for why you spend £400 a month on high-grade Belgian filth.

With a kangaroo

Experts say you can blame it on criminals who have totally been hacking into your iPhone and using it to call that premium rate line in Antwerp where the woman tells you she's having it off with a kangaroo.

Tom Logan, a cyber security analyst, said: "Back in the early days of dial-up internet, criminals would use special software to hack into modems and then place calls to premium rate pornographic chat lines which they already owned."

He added: "Just pretend that's happening again."

Martin Bishop, a design consultant and iPhone owner, said: "This is really good. I've been making up a rather complex, ongoing story about this client I have in Brussels called Theo Van Kerken and how I need to hold his hand on this particular project by phoning him up three times a day for about 45 minutes.

"I've even developed his character a little bit. He's 38. He lives with his girlfriend but is thinking he may propose soon. He likes paragliding, spicey food and Australian Shiraz. He also drives a Honda CRV and is worried that he's getting too old to listen to Green Day.

"In a strange way I'm going to miss him. Still, having it off with a kangaroo. Get in."

But iPhone owner, Natahan Muir, said he would be sticking with his well-practised look of horror whenever his monthly bill arrives from 02.

He added: "Someone has obviously stolen my phone, used it to ring these long, suspcious-looking numbers and then returned it to my inside pocket before I even knew it was gone. Again.

"I don't even know what a kangaroo is. Honest to God."