Twitter appeals Barton ban
PEOPLE wanting to use Twitter without their heads exploding have appealed Joey Barton’s 12-match ban.
The Nietzschean ball-worrier has been banned from staging an ultimate fighting bout on the pitch for twelve matches, and is expected to spend most of this time at his computer cutting and pasting bits of philosophy he doesn’t fully comprehend.
Twitterologist Wayne Hayes: said “Even people who don’t follow Barton will be vaguely aware in the periphery of the screen that somehow, somewhere, somebody will be getting called a helmet for no apparent reason.
“He hasn’t actually posted anything since the ban was imposed but, to coin a phrase, it’s when he goes quiet that you really need to worry.”
Twitter users’ lawyers will appeal the ban on the basis that Barton had been playing a lot of Streetfighter before the match and was simply trying to pull off an eight-move combo on the pitch.
Sightings of Barton spending a long time in the philosophy section of Waterstones have fueled fears of a pseudo-intellectual online hissy fit of massive proportions.
Wayne Hayes, a taxi driver from Carlisle said: “My kids use Twitter as well and the last thing I want them seeing on the internet is a series of misinterpreted Camus quotes and vaguely gnomic babbling about being persecuted.
“We need to confiscate his laptop and get him back on the pitch doing what he does best, punting other morons in the conkerbag”