Yeti DNA database launched
SCIENTISTS are collecting sasquatch DNA in a bid to cut man-ape crime, it has emerged.
The Institute of Studies has appealed for teeth and hair samples from the elusive hominids, which have been exploiting their anonymity to commit misdemeanours ranging from crampon theft to credit card fraud.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Every year, dozens of climbers die due to drunken yetis joyriding stolen yaks around the narrow mountain passes.
“Local law enforcement seems powerless to stop it. The yetis know this and simply fling their dung at police while making hooting sounds.
“Even more concerning are the number of casualties apparently caused among onlookers to yeti-on-yeti violence.”
It is hoped that one of the samples will be from Geoff Shags, a notorious 8-foot gangland yeti based just outside the Tibetan capital of Lhasa. He is believed to be responsible for 90% of the city’s stolen crampon trade.
Geoff Shags has managed to evade arrest for twenty years with the help of his lieutenants Orange Bob and Mickey The Wookie, living from the profits of a protection racket that sees locals pay one live chicken per month to stop their business being trampled to smithereens with the gang’s calling card – a trail of mysterious footprints in the snow – left as a warning to others.
The yeti database will be utilised across the globe, including in British Columbia where local police are hoping to smash the ring of crystal meth labs built by bigfoot bikers.