Senior Police Cock Had Sex On Duty

A SENIOR penis in the British Transport Police is facing shame and ruin after being found guilty of having sex on duty and against the will of the officer it was attached to at the time.

The penis logged-on to an internet dating site, made an appointment to meet a women for sex, and then made the officer drive it to the rendezvous while he should have been at work.

It then forced the officer to meet the woman, retire to a locked office and indulge in vigorous sexual intercourse, twice, before demanding it was tucked back into a pair of underpants and driven back to headquarters.

A spokesman for the British Transport Police said it was not the first time one of its officers had been kidnapped by his own penis while on duty.

He added: “This is a tragic case for all involved. The penis was of previously exemplary character but now faces being drummed out of the force and losing all its pension rights for what looks like one moment of erectile madness.

“The officer is totally traumatised by his ordeal, he has completely lost trust in his own penis and has requested a transfer to another division to get away from it. He can hardly bring himself to look it in the eye.”

Dr Raj Peshwar, a leading psychologist and expert on male sexuality, said he was coming across more and more cases of men reporting they had been kidnapped by their own penises.

He said: “It is not just figures of authority on duty who find themselves forced by their own penises to make a number of phone calls, drive 40 miles and open up a locked office to have sex with a women they hardly know. It can happen to anyone.

“I hear from a lot of men who claim they were taken out to a pub or club and plied with drink by their own penises only to wake up the following morning in bed having had intercourse with a complete stranger. It’s very worrying.”

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Guest Blog: Gillian Mckeith

On my multi award-nominated Channel 4 show, You Are What You Eat, I might appear to some as an unqualified, cold-hearted old busy-body. But answer me one question: why would someone as popular, educated and talented as myself go to such extreme lengths when it comes to treating my patients?

I’ll tell you why: it’s because I care. I care about these wretched people who are scoffing their way into an early grave; I care about the fact that they’ll leave loved ones behind as they clutch their chest in agony, as they suffer a fatal heart attack. But most of all, I care about all those individuals out there who will go through life without ever having experienced at least one of my revolutionary, but reasonably-priced, dietary plans.

Take for instance a recent case study of mine. For doctor/patient confidentiality reasons we’ll know this individual as ‘Mike Davies’ of London Road, Edinburgh, EH1 44W Anyway, ‘Mike’ was ingesting something like five times the normal amount of calories normal people like you and me do – well actually, I’m a TV personality, which makes me extraordinary, but I digress. Anyway, he was eating far too much when I was called in to help him reduce his calorie intake.

The Lose It With Gillian McKeith dietry programme isn’t just about eating less food and taking plenty of exercise, oh no, it’s a little more unconventional and sophisticated than that. Dieting is as much about the patient’s state of mind as anything else. For instance, the first time I met ‘Mike’ I felt I had to make some kind of statement. So I dressed in a specially-constructed fat suit similar and waddled into the room, clutching an extra large portion of pie and chips, swigging a can of lager while chanting “ THIS IS YOU MIKE, YOU FAT, BLOATED, FURRY-VEINED TWAT – LOOK AT ME CLOSELY MIKE, MAKE THE MOST OF IT BECAUSE YOU’LL BE SIX FOOT UNDER SOON’.

Now this technique has caused a bit of a stir within medical circles, indeed there are those within the establishment who choose to write me off as some kind of crank, but there again, as a highly qualified dietician, I have to go with my instinct sometimes and besides, this bit made for really good telly.

Once Mike was made aware of his deeply unattractive appearance, and seemingly imminent departure from this world I then started on the diet plan. In previous episodes of my ground-breaking C4 series, we illustrated the amount of food the individual gets through in a normal week, by placing it on a 20 foot trestle table. I’ve decided that is a bit old hat, and that there would be more impact if we asked the subject to bag up all the stools they’d produced during the week, and then pour it out onto the table, so all and sundry could then see what a greedy piggy he had been.

In Mike’s case, I pointed out that a normal person would normally excrete a quarter of what we saw in front of us, and that if he was going to get down to a healthy weight, his target would be to fit his weekly excreta into the small plastic bucket I had placed next to his fat-sodden barbecue.   

There are many ways to cleanse the body – detox and diet is big business these days, so I’m told. I’d like to think that my new book, which is being published this week, is the way ahead for those people out there who’ve so sadly let themselves go – you know who you are: you wear elasticated waists and don’t tuck your shirts in for fear of showing off the disgusting mound of ugly flesh that seeps over your 42 inch waist. I’m not in any way scaremongering, but next time you and your type swig down another pint of calorie-filled lager, or leaf through that take-away menu, give a thought to the paramedic who will soon be trying to zap some life into that bloated, fat-encrusted old ticker of yours with his defibrillator – that’s all.

Anyway, as I was saying earlier, my new publication, Gillian’s Ultimate Detox Diary is the best way forward if you’re into purging the body of all its poisonous filth. I have introduced a simple 712-point plan whereby you eat two Gillian McKeith Celery lozenges every other day for sixteen months, thus purifying the system and making you feel a million dollars. The beauty about this is the fact that every other day when you’re not on those dreary old celery lozenges, you’re able to have whatever you want, such as a few Gillian McKeith’s Lo-Fat Chocolate Brownies, or even a quick pint of McKeith’s 25-Year Old Organic McKeith Malt Whiskey. Go on, do your body a favour and give it a try.

As told to Matt Owen