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'GAYNESS IS EVERYWHERE AND IT WANTS YOUR SON' |
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17-11-09 |
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HOMOSEXUALITY is caused by an invisible evil cloud that can even get inside your pregnant wife and turn your unborn son into a lover of Mamma Mia, experts claimed last night.
 Brian's first word was 'fabulous'
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Tables, chairs, dogs, cats, the sky, automatic weapons; the dark force of gay is everywhere, just like those germs in bleach adverts, and it could turn young boys a bit sensitive and emotional at any time.
"The only way to protect male offspring from the long-taloned clutches of the unseen omnipresent man-love beast is to keep them locked in a room lined with copies of Andy McNab's Bravo Two Zero until they're old enough to read Knave."
He added: "It lives. Fear it."
Helen Archer, from Swindon, believes her unborn son was tainted by the gayness after it entered her womb during the night with a faint hissing sound.
She said: "The next day I went for a scan and the doctor detected a creaky lisping voice in my tummy quoting Oscar Wilde's pithiest epithets and lecturing my unborn child on the benefits of wearing a colourful scarf.
"Five months later my baby popped out smoking a cigarette in a holder, and said 'Greetings, ancestors!' in a loud flamboyant voice while wiping bits of placenta off of himself with a palpable disdain."
She added: "That night my husband went home and burned all the blue things we'd bought."
Father of two Roy Hobbs confirmed that the gayness can strike at any time: "My twelve year-old lad was into football and Jason Statham until he touched a seemingly harmless discarded Callippo tube. Now he's got hair like Kate Bush and does expressive contemporary dance. Unfortunately he's rather good."
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