Picnics even shitter than barbecues
TRANSPORTING food into a field to eat it is a worthless endeavour, it was claimed last night.
'What in the name of fucking Christ is that?'
As the weather momentarily improved over the weekend, thousands of Britons travelled long distances with heavy bags of provisions to lay down blankets which immediately became insanitary.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Initiating a picnic is basically making a decision to have your food shat on by tiny insects.
“There is something about decent weather that makes white middle-class people want to live in a vaguely stone age manner. It’s the nearest they come to getting horny.
“It is somehow ingrained into our national psyche that it’s fun to eat sweaty beef rolls on an uneven surface within sniffing distance of a rotting fox.
“The countryside is the domain of poisonous plants, grass snakes and
depraved, underclass fire-starters. You are not welcome in it, and
neither is your bag full of kettle chips and yoghurt.
“And thus, to the litany of unremitting shitness that includes camping and barbecues, we may now add the British Picnic.”
He added: “On a tangental but related note, Picnic chocolate bars are mediocre at best, easily the weakest of the commonly available chocolate bars. Coincidence? I think not.”
Teacher, Emma Bradford, said: “I remember washing crab paste sandwiches down with heat-liquefied Penguin bars and wondering why we were in the middle of a field.
“I thought our house had burned down and my parents didn’t have the heart to tell me.
“Later, my mum made me piss in a bush and I got a permanently disfiguring rash.”
