Aleksandr The Meerkat Murders Children Of Subordinate Clan Members
MEERKAT celebrity Aleksandr Orlov has murdered and partially eaten several of his lower-status co-habitants’ offspring, it emerged last night.
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The popular member of the mongoose family and his mate are believed to have carried out the massacre to ensure their continued genetic dominance of the tunnel network they share with around 20 subordinates.
Orlov’s spokesman said: “Any acts of infanticidal cannibalism that may have happened within Alexsandr’s residence were undertaken entirely without malice.
“It was purely a matter of eugenics, although the pressures of fame may have been a contributing factor.
“The remaining newborns are perfectly safe unless they present a serious challenge to Alexsandr’s children in which case he will kill them without a moment’s hesitation.”
The spokesman added: “I should stress that he didn’t eat all of his rivals’ offspring, only their heads and stomachs.”
Experts said Orlov, who was last night having sex in a seated position, is unlikely to face prosecution over the massacre.
Tom Logan, professor of mongeese at Reading University, said: “Meerkat societies, while highly co-operative, have no legal sanction against the killing and eating of children by a dominant alpha male.
“Obviously this does raise the question of whether we should be doing business with them, but they are unlikely to change. Meerkats will always eat babies. Especially the Russian ones.”
Meanwhile Orlov’s ruthless cannibalism has led to renewed calls for humans to devour selected children, particularly those likely to grow up and buy a book written by the mascot for an insurance comparison website.
