All Bad Things Caused By Vhs Copy Of ‘Ghoulies’, Says Cameron

A BAN on poor-quality horror films from the 1980s will stop all the bad things from happening, Tory leader David Cameron has claimed.

The inevitable result of 'Ghoulies 2'

As police discovered a battered, VHS copy of Ghoulies in the smelly home of a bad person, Mr Cameron insisted it was the film's pathetic special effects and pretend violence that made the person do the bad things.

He said: "Repeated viewing of Ghoulies, with its dismal production values, generic teen characters and numerous dreadful one-liners, turned this person from a home-loving, diligent lonely martial arts fanatic with serious father issues into a crazed killer who broke Britain right in the bad place."

The 15-rated film tells in graphic detail the terrifying story of a group of horny teenagers who hold a séance in a creepy haunted mansion, summoning a horde of terrier-sized monsters who proceed to dispatch them in various darkly comedic ways.

Pledging a ban on all horror films made between 1982 and 1996, Mr Cameron added: "This type of straight-to-video low budget sewage, with its vivid, exciting box which promises so much but delivers so little, is typical of the dangerously poor horror fare still readily available at Cash Converters, charity shops and from fat, squinty-eyed men at car boot sales."

Helen Archer, a decency enthusiast, said: "There is extensive evidence that films like Ghoulies, CHUD, Creepozoids and especially Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go To College can seriously derail the human mind.

"These films are everything that's wrong with the world. Watching them is like drilling a hole in your skull and pouring a mix of paint thinner and donkey urine straight into your brain."

She added: "And don't even get me started on Inseminoid. I turned it off as soon as I saw the strings holding up the spaceship, it's like Alien remade by a bunch of marmosets."