the dailymash

The shady cabal of bitter celebrity magazine hacks and gimlet-eyed marketing executives whose job it is to make everyone hate themselves is currently exploring options for at least 32 other currently-untitled flab zones.

Hollow-hearted journalist Nikki Hollis said: "Next to hit the glossies is the fatty neck, which will be termed a 'feck'. So prepare to start worrying about that.

"You might also want to get concerned about your plump forehead, to be known henceforth as a 'porky slap'. You definitely don't want one of those, you worthless sack of shit."

She added: "Do you think people will go for the idea of fat eyelids? Of course they will. We'll say Zoe Wanamaker's got them.

"They could be called 'pielids'. Or does that sound too long and complicated? Our readers tend to dislike multi-syllable words."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Unfortunately the only way to alleviate things like porky slap, man-chin and butter flaps is buying a rebranded jar of mayonnaise for £40 and smearing it into all four cheeks."

Stephen Malley, a newspaper reader from Stevenage, said: "I'm not pumping no bird with pielids. I'm not that desperate.

"Even though I look like a bag of mince and talk like a right fucking moron, I still have the sort of weird self-confidence that makes me think I can be selective."

He added: "Pielids. Euuugh."