Border hopefuls queueing long enough to gain citizenship

THE wait at Heathrow’s border control is now so long that many become full UK citizens while queueing.

The queues, which make up 72 per cent of the population of the London borough of Hillingdon, have been found to provide all the necessary conditions for a UK passport.

During the five-­year wait prospective entrants have learned English, proved themselves to be of good character by not pushing in, and quite possibly have had children on British soil.

Many have also shown a willingness to sustain themselves economically by getting jobs in WH Smith, Tie Rack, and have assimilated British culture by raising whole families on Greggs steak bakes.

Even those who do not qualify for citizenship are being admitted to the country by UK Border Agency staff who vouch for them personally.

Immigration officer Joseph Turner said: “When Ardjan turned out to have a string of convictions for people trafficking and murder in Albania, it hit me hard.

“We’d spent the last three years practically as neighbours and grown very close. I know this man and his six attractive sisters will be an asset to the country, so I allowed them to make their own passports out of cardboard.”

Immigration Minister Damien Green said: “What could be more British than waiting patiently in line for hour after hour, year after year, with only the faint prospect of anything worthwhile at the end of it?

“These people deserve their citizenship and the UK Border Agency must be congratulated for providing yet another example of superb private sector efficiency.”