Britain finds its flaky-pastry breaking point

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.

It later emerged that the pasty has never met Mr Cameron and does not play football

Despite NHS reform, rising unemployment and The Voice-BGT schism, the nation’s anger has finally congealed over the price of hoof-filled pastry parcels.

As the Cornish Defence League threatened to firebomb Greggs and millions of people fretted over their next portion of minced roadkill badger, David Cameron, the prime minister of the United Kingdom, stood in a public street and declared that some of his best friends were pasties.

He said: “We play football together on Thursday nights and then we go for a beer and talk about the Big Society.”

Chancellor George Osborne also confirmed his love of the kind of food that is destroying the National Health Service by forcing eight jumbo sasuage rolls into his mouth at the same time, even though it was perfectly obvious that he was crying.

And Labour leader Ed Miliband continued his 12-step weirdness-reduction programme by taking his massive, googly eyes to a Greggs in Redditch where staff immediately threw the contents of the bin at Ed Balls in a determined effort to kill him.

Mr Miliband then attempted to shake hands with a cheese and onion slice.

Meanwhile, the government has produced a public information film, to be shown before and after prole-heavy TV shows, featuring lingering shots of a steak bake as Patrick Stewart delivers a series of explicit threats about what will happen to it if you keep complaining.