Britain inexplicably popular
CENSUS researchers are baffled after it emerged that nearly four million more people are choosing to live in Britain than in 2001.
The figures are much higher than expected, given the country’s prevalence of dreadful weather, poor quality televised entertainment and small muscular dogs with massive teeth.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Around 55% of the increase is due to migration, showing that Eastenders isn’t nearly as popular as we might think. One episode of that would convince me to set fire to my passport and embrace whatever murderous regime I was living in.
“I know these figures will be pounced upon by Mail readers but the issue of whether Britain is too easy is quite separate to why anybody would bother clinging to the underside of a lorry for three days to come to this shithole.
“I guess it’s like stealing used socks from a car boot sale. If you’re desperate enough to do it, you probably deserve to get away with it.”
The UK’s population density rating has been altered accordingly, from ‘mid-morning bus in a provincial town’ to ‘last orders at a Newcastle wedding reception’ and a campaign has begun to make Britain an even less attractive place to live.
Professor Brubaker said: “We’re expecting the Olympics to have a big effect, of course, as it will provide the final straw for many people who don’t want to live in a country that pays twenty five billion pounds to host a militarised PE lesson.
“And I expect the nation’s diet will soon have reached the additive-laden point where producing a healthy sperm will be like trying to carve a miniature crystal unicorn with your feet whilst sat on a bouncy castle.”