the dailymash

The Institute for Studies found that more than 70% of British adults said they have had only one or two small glasses of white wine shortly before collapsing into a hedge or climbing on top of a car and going to sleep.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Maybe it's the new puritanism or some bollocks like that. All these fuckers going round saying 'don't do this, don't do that' and now everyone's trying to look all goody-goody. It's all fucking SHIT."

He added: "That said, I myself have never been one for heavy drinking. Yes I did go to pub at lunchtime but I've only had a couple of pints. You fuckers.

"Fuckers. Fuckers. Fuckers. Fuckers. Fuckers. Where's the bogs?"

Attempting to hold on to a railing that wasn't there, Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: "I'm fine. I am fine. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?

"Oh dear. I think someone must have slipped a little something into my bandy shass. Oh dear. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?"

Meanwhile Helen Archer, from Durham, insisted she was okay to drive because she had a big lunch and vodka doesn't count.

"You see vodka has no smell - it has no smell - so if the police stop me I can just pretend that I've had a little strokey-poo.

"But then again why would they, given that I don't drink because I'm such a good girl.

"Now then, who would like to see what's in my knickers?"