the dailymash

The government's skills audit has revealed shortages in key sectors as belly dancing halls go bust and thousands of hovercraft lie rusting in the docks of Dover and Folkestone.

Meanwhile British horses are now 25% slower than a decade ago as a lack of qualified trainers has led to larger and larger class sizes.

Home Office minister Liam Byrne said: "Importing a new batch of Leprechauns will help us meet our target of no more than 15 horses to a classroom."

Mr Byrne said Britain also needed a fresh influx of foreign goat herds, voodoo priests, mysterious Mexican swordsmen and quantity surveyors.

He added: "Our goats lack direction, our voodoo is out of control and most of our inner cities are in desperate need of a Zorro."

The government is also hoping to attract thousands of English teachers who do not speak English as a first language.

Miroslav Shalikashvili, professor of applied Shakespeare at the Technical Institute of Tblisi, said he would be on the next flight to Heathrow, adding: "Hamlings put it bestly - To be or not being to be, that is my inquirings."