the dailymash

Ofsted inspectors found many teachers in faith schools used air-quotes when discussing rival horseshit and habitually ended lessons by making oral sex gestures by moving their hand while poking their tongue against the inside of their cheek.

Schools inspector, Tom Logan, said: "Unfortunately more than 80% of Britain's Catholic schools now display a poster of Maureen Lipman sporting a crudely-drawn pair of satanic horns.

"Meanwhile, Muslim schools have altered their computer spellcheckers so that whenever a child writes 'Christian' or 'Buddhist' a little box appears saying 'it looks like you're trying to spell 'bastard infidel'."

The report also found that secular schools have seen a rise in 'Deity slapping', whereby atheist pupils dress up as God, give religious children a thorough beating and video the whole thing on their mobile phone before posting the footage on YouTube.

Logan added: "One film shows three teenagers dressed up as Vishnu, Shiva and Ganesha demanding a second year's pocket money as penance for wearing cheap trainers. While we obviously condemn such behaviour, it is very inventive. And the costumes were amazing."

A department for education spokesman said: "While faith schools provide a moral code for pupils it's important for everyone to remember that all religions are invariably based on the scribblings of a demented Iron Age gentleman living in a cave.

"Except Muslim schools, obviously - they're great. Please don't kill me."