the dailymash

The Institute for Studies said the more babies who have the same father, the more likely it is they will grow-up to have sex with each other, thereby creating a race of dungaree-clad mutants.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Think of it. Thousands of jug-eared banjo twangers and chainsaw-wielding halfwits, as well as an endless supply of guests for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

"He could have an entire channel devoted solely to these big-nosed, squirrel-eating swamp-freaks and their intricately complex social lives. I could watch that all day."

The number of sperm donors has dropped since the removal of anonymity for men who accept money in exchange for ejaculating into a beaker.

Meanwhile there is an ever increasing demand from childless couples determined to start their own horrifyingly shallow gene pool.

Professor Brubaker added: "We could set them all free to live in the woods and build their own strange, introverted societies.

"It would certainly make country walks more interesting and would also be a great place for a stag weekend.

"The fun doesn't really begin until the groom has been stripped, violated and told to squeal like a pig."