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Cardinal stops using letters G, A and Y

BRITAIN’S biggest Catholic has confirmed he will no longer use any of the letters in the word ‘gay’.

Cardinal Keith O’Brien stressed he was embarking on the phonetic moratorium because he did not want to be ‘prt of the problem’.

His spokesman said: “Luckily ‘safe words’ include Jesus, communion, crucifix and Keith O’Brien.

“However he has had to change his job to title to ‘Crdinl’.

“Also, half the word ‘Mary’ is off limits so from now on he will refer to the Holy Mother as ‘Ethel’.

“It’s not blasphemous if it’s part of a bulwark against depravity.”

The spokesman added: “Golgotha comes out as ‘Oloth’ and Calvary is just ‘Clvr’, so Easter is going to be tricky. Especially if he’s calling it ‘Ester’.”

Cardinal O’Brien said: “Mrrie between two men is bd nd wron. Nd tht’s not just me tlkin, tht’s Od.

“I’ve hd it up to here with their K-Jell, their lether pnts nd their Lori Nor records. It’s unnturl.”

He added: “Idell I’d hve stopped usin ll the letters in ‘homosexul’ but then ou would think I’m complete luntic.”

 

 

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David Bowie's real ale blog

Real ale blog, by David Bowie
I love all real ale – dark, hoppy, light, frothy, jazzy, smoky, funky, punky, spunky and nutty – but it has to be REAL ale. To show you how much I love it, here’s a number from my new concept album, Roll Out The Casque Marked, CAMRA-Approved Barrel…

Oh-ohhhhhh I’m a thirsty man, alright Oh-ohhhhh so pour me a nice big foaming piiiiiiiint
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh but don’t put any lemonade
I said don’t put any lemonade
In my pint of beer
Because that would make it a SSSHHHHANDYYYYY

Speaking of which, shortly after the Velvets split and Lou Reed needed an earner I got him a gig as a steward in the local British Legion – he poured me a bitter shandy by mistake so I had no other option but to report him to the committee and he was shown the door. BASTARD.

Here’s another song I wrote – this one’s all about my passion for pub grub…

Oh, oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – are you doing fooooood ?
I quite like the look of the lamb curry on a bed of rice
Then there’s the steak & ale pie topped off with puff pastry served with our special creamy MASSSSSSHHHHHH and seasonal veg
But you can take your vegeterian option
Aaaand stick it where the monkey sticks it…NUTTTS

I wrote that whilst sat inside one of my favourite pubs, The Butcher’s Arms, just outside Totnes. You might be interested to know that whilst I was there I had a pint of Dambuster and a cheddar ploughman’s. It was very tasty although there wasn’t any Picalilli and only one sachet of salad cream. On the positive side they did have an excellent selection of vintage beer mats and a VHS copy of Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence nestled on one of the bookshelves.

Another of my favourite watering holes is The Merry Yeoman near Trowbridge. Last week they were having a meat raffle and I managed to win something which in turn inspired me to put pen to paper…

Ohh-whoah I’ve got the winning ticket Number 27 – a shoulder of lamb
Which is a bit of a result
Because I haven’t got any food in the larder
Apart from a tin of butter beans
And another tin of butter beans
In fact I’ve got five tins of butter beans
And I don’t even liiiiike Themmmmmm

On second thoughts I don’t reckon it’s such a good idea to call in at this last pub because Mott the Hoople drink there – they don’t like strangers and can get rather tasty after a few ciders.

 

 

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