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THE 2011 census will be ever so mucky, ministers pledged last night.
 'An old bicycle pump dipped in goose fat'
And for the first time since the mid-1970s the questionnaire will include an entire page devoted to Dutch Steamboating.
Meanwhile the marital status question will carry eight options including single, married, divorced, separated, gay wife, lesbian husband, 'DIY pleasure monkey' or shacked-up with a tall, muscular African gentleman.
The census, to be carried out on March 28, will also ask how many people stayed in your house the previous night, what sort of noises they made and whether you plan to see any of them again.
A Home Office spokesman insisted the information was vital to government planning and not related in any way to the unremitting creepiness of Gordon Brown.
He added: "Up to the minute figures on key demographic indicators such as Dutch Steamboating, Chocolate Marmalade and the Shanghai Two Stroke, will enable us to make accurate predictions on future demand for hip replacement surgery."
Mrs Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford in Surrey, said: "It really depends what day of the week they do it. If it's a Monday then it'll just be me and my collection of antique vibrating marbles.
"If it's a Thursday then I will have to give everyone a number. Thank goodness we never ask each other's names."
The first national census was carried out in 1801 and consisted of just one question: Are you a dirty, stinking Irishman?
By 1842 the census had been expanded to include questions about the number of gas explosions per household and how many close relatives had dropped dead in your kitchen that day.
The early 20th century saw the introduction of the first sex-related questions in a bid to flush out German spies, but led to widespread public disquiet culminating in the Doncaster Quim Riots of 1907.
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