Children Outnumbered By Daily Mail Reading Fucknuts
CHILDREN in the UK are now outnumbered by ageing psychopaths who devour every word of the Daily Mail, new figures reveal.
Experts warned an increasingly Daily Mail population would require radical reforms in welfare policy, as well as many more cages and bits of wood to bite down on when the electrodes are attached.
Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "A Daily Mail population is not necessarily something we should be worried about. It is something we should be absolutely terrified of.
"No, really. I'm moving to New Zealand. We've got friends there and it's 11,000 miles away, so I'll feel safe."
He added: "By 2014 most conversations in the UK will be about Polish baby factories, the shocking number of underage abortions being performed near your house and, of course, Fern Britton's pudgy thighs and why she'll never eat another Wagon Wheel.
"This will inevitably lead to a big increase in general taxation to pay for wiping up what's left of all the people who have thrown themselves out of tall buildings rather than listen to another word about why so many celebrities are choosing to carry their own luggage these days.
"Personally, I'm in favour of subjecting Daily Mail readers to an intensive course of electric shock therapy.
"I don't think it will do any good, I just want to see them jerk around."